i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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