I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
