And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
