I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
All the doctor said was why
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
