I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
