I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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