Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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