I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
