my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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