i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
40s are totally the cure
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
