tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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