I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
