Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
