sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
