using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
