well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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