Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
