I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
