Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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