genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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