Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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