You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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