I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We named our party play list daddy issues
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
