I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
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She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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