I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
