I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
