there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
