before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
