theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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