Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Do you still have your period?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
