you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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