i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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