I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i think my cat just said my name.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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