I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
