the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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