I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
