The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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