Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
