The maid of honor just puked.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
