the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
