She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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