I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
