What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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