The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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