When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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