I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I will pee on everything he values.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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