So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
