My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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