What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
