And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
