I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
