My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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