How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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