I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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