During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
