I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
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When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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