I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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