theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
