my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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